Mimisdbest

It’s amazing how much progress one can make in 100 days!

Maybe this is why the first 100th day of school is often celebrated in elementary schools.

100 days makes a huge difference when one puts in their work! 

And grief work is hard work! 

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m so grateful for everyone who has helped through the process, because I couldn’t have done all this work without you; including every single author of all the books I’ve read in the last 100 days.

I’ve probably read more books in the last 100 days than I did the entire six years of high school!

Just kidding, four. 

Four years of high school. (List of books here).

Grief still visits me every day.  (I’ve named her Greta).

Some days Greta visits longer than others, but most days she comes and hands me a box of tissues and has a cup of coffee with me.

We talk.

We laugh.

We cry.

We pray, and then she leaves.

Until her next visit.

On some of her visits, she’s a total B***  and decides to stay all day! 

She angers me with frustration at the duties that come with the death of a spouse.

 
There have even been times that she’s made me mad at Wes for leaving me in this mess!(Don’t worry, I don’t stay mad, it’s just part of Greta’s personality).

You’d be surprised how many people will ask for a death certificate. 

So many times I’ve wanted to yell at people over the phone saying:

“WHY THE HECK WOULD I LIE ABOUT MY HUSBAND DYING!”

Then I  realize that people probably have lied, which is why the rules are in place.

This 100th day has me feeling more energetic, happy, hopeful, and even considering a move out of the county (more on that as/if things unfold).

Here’s what I know.

I know that if Wes could see me, he would be proud.He’d give me a thumbs up and a cheesy smile. 

He would also be making jokes at some of the decisions I’ve made and shaking his head at me for taking over his closet and his work area. (I can actually hear his voice in my head with his reactions).

And he wouldn’t be surprised by any of my moves.

I’m so predictable.

And he knew me so well 🤣

I knew that if the first 100 days didn’t kill me, they’d only make me stronger.

I’m glad they didn’t kill me, cause I’m definitely feeling stronger. 

*signs off singing the Kelly Clarkson song

I ventured out today!

All by myself!

Pre-grief Mimi would venture out all the time! Especially while Wes was at work.

But not since his passing.

Granted the world has been closed since two weeks after his passing (which has helped speed up the grief process), but I couldn’t even fathom getting to the point of being able to go outdoors by myself.

And I did!

I put on my entire face
(more than just my eyebrows)
and went to Hobby Lobby.

Which, if you know us, you know that Wes worked there for a couple of years. Though he left two or so years ago, there are a lot of people that still work there that recognize me.

I was stopped a couple of times.
I was asked how I was doing, you know the regular and the awkward questions.
I managed to get through the conversations with 0 tears, although once I got back in the car, the tears just flowed and I said to myself:
“Crap! I didn’t want to cry. I’m wearing mascara!”

Haha!

Wes would probably be laughing at that.

This venture left me feeling like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid.

I’m still standing…

(Sorry just watched Rocketman) 🤣

Throwing it back to life before COVID…

I miss life before COVID.

Things I want to do:

Go to church! 

Shop without having to follow stupid arrows and without having to wear a mask!

Drink a mule, wine, a beer, a whatever at an actual bar with actual people!

Hug, I want to hug all the people and I’m not even a hugger!

Eat sushi at a restaurant! 

Drink coffee at the little cafe by my apartment while I work on my laptop!

I want to go to a wedding.
Who’s getting married?
Invite me!

Go to a freaking movie!!!!

Go Dancing!

Go hiking!

I want to go to a Posh N Sip!

I also want to hear those annoying kids that use to play outside all the time.
I miss that too!!!

I want life before COVID back!

There should be a COVID slogan:

COVID, ruining lives and killing vibes

COVID rant over.

Thanks for listening!

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⁣An internet friend (@JustLaurenM on IG) gifted me with this beautiful sign. This sign will eventually be replacing the wedding photos on my bedroom wall.⁣
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I’m slowly turning 𝐨𝐮𝐫 apartment into my own little space.⁣
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A space that still honors the memory of my husband yet doesn’t overwhelm me with sadness with the reminders that he isn’t here anymore.⁣
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The wooden sign is so fitting, it’s printed with the beautiful lyrics of the song “Ocean (Where feet may fail)” by Hillsong.⁣
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According to the band, this song is “about stepping into the unknown and a song about faith and trust.”⁣
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And right now, I am in the unknown! So, I’m choosing to cling to my faith and trust in Jesus because the other choice is a much darker one. ⁣
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– 𝘚𝘱𝘪𝘳𝘪𝘵 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘮𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘮𝘺 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘣𝘰𝘳𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴⁣
𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘮𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘭𝘬 𝘶𝘱𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘥𝘦𝘦𝘱𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘵 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳⁣
𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘺 𝘧𝘢𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘦 𝘮𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘺 𝘚𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘰𝘳. ⁣

Here I stand at the edge of 40…⁣
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Last year on my (38th) birthday I wrote:⁣
⁣”I’m so excited for whatever this year may bring”…⁣
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And now I almost regret those words.⁣
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Had I known it was my very last year I’d enjoy with my husband here on earth, I would have lived my life quite differently.⁣
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I can’t say I’m excited about what is ahead.⁣
Frankly, I’m nervous.
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My hopes and dreams of years past all involved my dear Wesley⁣ (gosh, I love saying his name)⁣.

Now it feels as if those hopes and dreams have been stolen from me, making me feel hopeless and lost.⁣
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I’m almost desperate for new hopes, goals, and dreams and the only one I can come up with is to “just move” and cling to Jesus.⁣
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To get out of bed each morning.⁣
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To eat.⁣

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To shower.⁣
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To do something!⁣
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You know, almost like a teenager. ⁣
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So as I stand at the edge of 40.⁣
I pray that this next year is kind to me.⁣
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I pray that I find the strength (with the help of God) to move forward in my own little way. ⁣
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To be able to find a new norm.⁣
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I also pray for kindness and patience from my family and friends through this process.⁣

And I pray for my faith to endure this and for this not to break me.⁣
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I never imagined I’d start the last year of my 30’s grieving the man I love. ⁣
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I miss him dearly.⁣

I wish he was here, celebrating my birthday, showering me with the love that I grew so accustomed to.
⁣
Ugh, 39!⁣
I’ll be tip-toeing around you, ⁣please be kind.⁣
⁣
⁣(photos from birthdays past)

This is the only content I have for now.
Sad content.
But, I want to “keep it real”
and friends, my pain seems to be getting worse.

Women who have been through this horrible experience keep telling me that I will eventually learn to move forward with the pain. That I will eventually find a “new normal” and that someday the pain won’t be so agonizing.

I can’t wait!

YAY!

I showered today.
I even washed my hair!
And that could very well be all I do today…

That’s grief.

Some days it lets me function regularly and other days I can barely get off the couch.

I embrace the good days.
I let myself be sad on the bad days.

I’m praying for less of those.

I’m praying that through my struggle I would see that this was His plan for Wesley all along.

His plan for me.

2020 has been heavy.

Heavy for me.

Heavy for our family.

Heavy for the entire world!

So, if you too are having a tough year,
if you too have lost a spouse, a family member, a friend or anyone you love, just know that you’re not alone.

Not alone in your sorrow and grief.

God is with us.

Even when we don’t see Him.

Even when you don’t feel Him.

He’s with us and wants us to draw close to Him.

He’s close to our broken hearts
and our crushed spirits.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit                                                                         Psalm 34:18

                       Wesley Knoblock 

                                  01/03/1973 – 02/18/20

Many of you have asked me what exactly happened to my husband Wesley. I haven’t replied to most questions because honestly, it’s painful to have to relive the moment over and over again. From now on I will be directing people to this blog post. I hope you understand.

My husband, the love of my life, passed away a month ago today (02/18/20).

Unexpectedly.

He was in a minor car accident on 2/01/20 which resulted in 3 broken ribs, a subdural hematoma, and a fractured fibula. That fracture, something so minor, is what took his life.

Long story short, and only short because I am unable to type it all out without bawling…

The fractured fibula resulted in DVT. The blood clot eventually (17 days later) traveled to his lungs and then to his heart and stopped it.

The day he passed away was a pretty normal day. We were running errands. Then we came home, he went to the bathroom, I heard a loud thunk and a moan.

I ran to the bathroom. He had collapsed on the ground. He was conscious but struggling to breathe. I held his hand asked him to squeeze if he couldn’t breathe.

He squeezed hard.

I called 911 in a panic. He looked scared. I ran next door to see if our neighbor who’s a nurse was home but he wasn’t home. I yelled for help. Our other neighbor heard me. She and her mom ran inside our apartment and took over the 911 call.

I feared that my husband was dying.

When the ambulance took him I had hope. He was conscious and following instructions. When he got to the hospital though, he struggled. The ICU doctor said to me

“He’s very, very sick. He could die.”

I’ll never forget how cold she sounded when she said this. My entire family was there. He was responsive but hooked up to a machine. I wanted to make sure he knew we were all there so I asked my brother to make sure to tell him we were all there.

At some point, the nurse said “I don’t like what his heart is doing” and suddenly about 15 people came running into his room and started prepping the defibrillator.

“Code Blue” I hear over the loudspeaker.

They get a heartbeat.

And then they rush him to Interventional Radiology.

We (my family and a few close friends) wait in the family room.

3O minutes or so later we hear over the loudspeaker “Code Blue.”

Ugh! I knew it was for him.

About an hour later the doctor comes back in with a social worker. It was just like in the movies.

“I’m sorry Mrs. Knoblock.”

We all knew what that meant.

We were all in tears.

Our friends, our pastor, my family!

This is not how we planned it!

We planned to live to 90. We were so good to our bodies. Him more so than I. We ate right. Exercised. Kept a mainly holistic lifestyle.

He had already been through so much with his health, so we made all the changes to live a quality life. When our friends would tell us to enjoy life because we are all going to die anyway we often said:

“Sure we are all going to die, but HOW do you want to die?”

Neither one of us wanted a long dreadful, cancerous sickly, difficult death.

And in a sense, he really didn’t have to die. I believe his death could have been prevented. He had left the hospital 3 days prior. Something happened, they missed something. I really think they missed something BIG!

He was a “walking miracle” as his doctor once said.

He survived a massive heart attack in 2010 that should have killed him.

It didn’t.

He survived a massive brain bleed in 2014 that should have killed him.

It didn’t.

He was a fighter.

I know he must have fought hard.

I wonder what he was thinking as he was dying.

I hope he knew I was there.

I wish I could have been right next to him as he took his last breath.

I was able to see him on the bed one last time. Never did I think I would have to say goodbye to my husband’s lifeless body. I hugged him. I told him I was sorry that he had passed the way he did.

My days have been long since his passing.

Most of them are a blur.

I’ve cried myself to sleep and woken up in tears. My body and soul hurt. And slowly it kills me that I am starting to get used to life without him.

Wesley believed in Jesus. And I know he’s rejoicing in Heaven. That is the only thing that keeps me going. That I know I will see him again someday.

1 Thessalonians 4:17

Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord.

English Standard Version

I’m noticing a growing trend:

People (like me) making Posh Swag.

I started making Posh inspired swag in 2017 for the Posh n Sips I hosted. My PFF’s loved my swag so much and soon they began encouraging me to start selling it, so I did.

Now, it seems that a whole lot of us are making it.

The more swag the better! No need to hate on other makers – something I’ve personally dealt with as a maker (but we’re not going to get into that DRAMA).

So, if you too want to start making swag, here are some things you should know before you jump in.

First of all, I want you to know that I say Posh-inspired because I (or anyone that isn’t Poshmark) cannot make Posh swag using the Poshmark logo, or the actual word Poshmark for profit. Poshmark and its logo are trademarked and, therefore, illegal to sell. So, to avoid any trouble, or having your items taken down, DO NOT use those in your swag.

Second, it is very unbecoming to copy (um…dare I say steal) the intellectual property of fellow creators, and people will notice if you do. So, DO NOT! copy fellow creators, even though our work may not be copyrighted or trademarked. Really, nobody likes a biter.

Want to create? Then get those juices flowing and create new, fresh ideas for our fellow Poshers. Be original and people will be lining up for your swag!

Third, get the word out! Send your swag off to people hosting Posh N Sips, host a Posh N Sip and giveaway your own swag. We Poshers love swag!

Fourth, consider the costs that come with swag-making. Truthfully, Swag making hasn’t brought me much money, but it brings me great joy.

The costs that you can expect are:

• Software
• Cutting Machine(s)
• Vinyl
• Transfer Tape
• Heat Press
• Clothing and other items to put your images on

These are the main expenses that you can count on, but there may be more.

Fifth, have fun, experiment and sell!

It’s really fun getting the creative juices flowing and seeing your ideas come to life! I look forward to the days I dedicate to creating.

Fun fact: Swag was originally an acronymn for “Stuff (or that other word) We Ain’t Got” – Hey! You brought some SWAG! Where’d you get it?