The Edge of 40

Here I stand at the edge of 40…⁣

Last year on my (38th) birthday I wrote:⁣img_4470
⁣”I’m so excited for whatever this year may bring”…⁣

And now I almost regret those words.⁣

Had I known it was my very last year I’d enjoy with my husband here on earth, I would have lived my life quite differently.⁣

I can’t say I’m excited about what is ahead.⁣
Frankly, I’m nervous.

My hopes and dreams of years past all involved my dear Wesley⁣ (gosh, I love saying his name)⁣.

Now it feels as if those hopes and dreams have been stolen from me, making me feel hopeless and lost.⁣

I’m almost desperate for new hopes, goals, and dreams and the only one I can come up with is to “just move” and cling to Jesus.⁣

Processed with VSCO with c4 preset
Processed with VSCO with c4 preset

To get out of bed each morning.⁣

To eat.⁣

To shower.⁣

To do something!⁣

You know, almost like a teenager. ⁣

So as I stand at the edge of 40.⁣
I pray that this next year is kind to me.⁣

I pray that I find the strength (with the help of God) to move forward in my own little way. ⁣

To be able to find a new norm.⁣

I also pray for kindness and patience from my family and friends through this process.⁣

And I pray for my faith to endure this and for this not to break me.⁣

I never imagined I’d start the last year of my 30’s grieving the man I love. ⁣

I miss him dearly.⁣

I wish he was here, celebrating my birthday, showering me with the love that I grew so accustomed to.

Ugh, 39!⁣
I’ll be tip-toeing around you, ⁣please be kind.⁣

⁣(photos from birthdays past)

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